Over the last 2 years, I’ve gained about 15 pounds and on my slight 5’0” frame that’s adding a lot to what I already have. I’m turning 54 years old this year, and my greys are also more pronounced than they once were. I’m finding it hard to even dress myself these days because I feel stuck between what I feel like on the inside and the shape of my body on the outside. I am amassing new clothes that felt good enough while on in the store, but leave me feeling frumpy and old once I get home.
I guess it’s hard to dress the goop that comes after the caterpillar, but before the transformation to butterfly.
These midlife changes have come on ever so gradually. But they are pronounced as I stand here in my closet, where half of these clothes seem to belong to someone else—maybe the me I once was—and the other half doesn’t even fit on my changing body. I’m learning that shift dresses with no waist look best on me these days, nothing too clingy around my midsection. Shirts that cover my waistline make me feel safer, covered. But for all this coverage I’m giving myself up to become a formless blob, usually in the colors of beige, white or black.
I’m not sure what’s becoming of me these days—not only physically, but in all other ways that matter too. I only know that I am not who and what I once was, unsure of who I am becoming. The art and writing have quieted. Work, these days, is on full blast and I’m not okay with this imbalance.
Who makes these decisions I wonder, and then realize, it’s me. Whoa, me. Says me to myself, you’ve gotta make some changes here, starting yesterday! So I clean out my closet—4 bags full—and I go for a swim in a strapless swimsuit that dares to reveal my not 19 year old belly. And tomorrow, I shall find another way to honor the woman I am becoming and every day after that
Looking at me, I imagine that no one would guess that I’m struggling with these changing seasons within, but I am. It’s hard to juggle this inner life and still keep everything running smoothly at work and at home. So I need to make space. Time to get right in my own head and body. Show up for work yes, but don’t give it more of my life than it ought to have. Re-examine and reset my boundaries.
After all, my mind is rightfully on other things at the moment—I’m busy becoming a new human being.
Good for you Jan!! Don't be so hard on yourself! I've been through all of the above and now I'm 75 years young fighting cancer !! I used to worry about my changing body, self, mind, spirit and had to deal with giving up so many people and things I did that I loved. Riding and selling my Harley was one, too. Now, if I could do like you and get rid of for bags of clothes it would make me happy! Keep on keeping on. You will become that beautiful butterfly seen in all of us.